We’ve all heard the label “Crazy Cat Lady,” but how many of us really qualify for the title?
And what type of requirements are we talking about? As a cat lover myself, I considered the many crazy things we might do to earn us this wacky feline stereotype.
Here is my list of 28 reasons you might be labeled a crazy cat lady. Keep score as you go to view your results at the end of the article.
1. You forget toilet paper but buy the mega bonus pack of lint rollers.
If you have cats, you know how their hair can get on everything. And I mean everything. A lint roller is a working woman’s (or man’s) saving grace when it comes to looking polished at the office. If you’ve ever run out of toilet paper or paper towels but have an extra drawer for lint rollers, add this check mark to your list.
2. You stopped wearing certain colors of clothing because of the visibility of cat hair.
So let’s say unlike #1 where you own stock in lint roller manufacturers, you instead avoid wearing black so your kitty’s white hairs aren’t draped everywhere. Or you stop wearing white because your cat is black. Either way if you make this drastic of a change because of cat hair, you might have issues.
3. You can’t sleep unless a cat is in bed with you.
Do you stay awake wondering where the cat is? Or where your many cats are? If you’re so used to a purring pillow draped over your chest or wrapped around your head that you have difficulty sleeping without it, it’s another leap towards crazy cat lady.
4. You will alter your sleeping position to cater to your cat(s).
Say your cat loves to sleep on your pillow. What happens when she’s already there or climbs into bed and cradles your head just to push it out of the way? If you move to indulge your cat’s preferences, it might be a bit much.
5. You clean the litter box(es) before you have breakfast.
You might forget to eat breakfast or lock the front door, but rest assured the litter box(es) are sparkling clean every day. This attention to detail (and resulting lack of details in other areas) just add to the stereotype.
6. You think any person who would declaw a cat is nothing short of the devil.
Okay, you got me on this one. As our own vet has reported, even she doesn’t want to perform this operation. While it used to be commonplace years ago (a condition of adopting a kitten when I was a teenager came with a requirement that she be de-clawed), the pain and gruesome details of the surgery have come to light. Today many people view it as amputation as much as tail docking or ear cropping is, and many vets refuse to do the operation.
If you agree with this item, deduct -1 from your crazy cat lady total.
7. You evaluate relationships based on the person’s love (or tolerance) of cats.
If you’ve seen dating profiles with “must love dogs,” you know yours says “must love cats.” Even if it doesn’t, you find a way to slip it into conversation to test your potential date or existing relationship who might not have been to your house yet. If they look like they want to hurl a hairball, you’re out of there.
8. Every time you are required to add a photo to social media or a website, it is always a picture of one of your cats.
Whether it’s your Facebook page, Twitter profile or even your LinkedIn business page, good ol’ fluffy is front and center. If you normally add photos of your cat as your human profile, add another point to your crazy cat lady total.
9. Your cat owns a social media presence.
This isn’t what we described in #8. This is you creating a website, blog, Facebook or Twitter profile pretending to be your cat typing to humans. While some of these can be entertaining, informative and funny, some of them can be downright creepy. Add +1 to the crazy cat lady counter.
10. You miss work or cancel plans with family and friends because you’re too engrossed in a live kitten cam on the internet.
As a fan of John Barlett’s kitten cam, I can attest that it’s hard to navigate away. The man has a new set of kittens like clockwork, and they are so darn cute. But if you’ve actually cancelled plans with anyone just to wait for his nightly visit to the kittens live on camera, you might have to add another credit to your total.
11. If an item of clothing has either a paw print or a cat on it, you buy it.
Did you really need the Hello Kitty power pink flannel pajamas? I understand they are warm and comfortable, but you don’t have to buy every piece of clothing with a cat on it.
12. You save every box from every delivery (or order extra just for the boxes) just in case one of your cats might like it.
Even worse, if you shop online just for the boxes, you have a problem. While we all know cats love boxes, spending money for frequent visits from UPS, FedEx or the postal service just to score a new box elevates you to a new level of crazy.
13. You spent more on your cat’s Christmas gifts than your own friends and family combined.
So mom didn’t get that blender, and your nephew had to settle for a magnet instead of the new Xbox game he wanted. But that’s okay since your kitty received the most expensive cat tree known to man. If your cash is flowing more freely to your kitty than other humans, you might be a crazy cat lady. Bonus points in crazy cat lady land if you spend money buying each of your cats separate towers and gifts.
14. Your cat has more outfits than anyone else in your home.
Christmas, Easter and Halloween outfits are priorities when it comes to your cats. But when you take inventory on your cat’s closet and it exceeds a human member of the household, you might have a problem.
15. You have a tattoo of the name of every cat you have ever had.
If your back is running out of space to etch the newest “Mittens” because of the previous 20 cats you had, it might be time to say no to the ink and yes to non-painful ways to remember your furry friends.
16. You delay going to sleep or using the bathroom if a cat is in your lap.
If you do move them to get up you apologize profusely and feel horrible afterwards. The cat will sit in your lap another day, we promise. Don’t burst your bladder waiting for her to move.
17. You don’t invite guests back if your cat doesn’t like them.
Your brother brings over his new girlfriend for dinner. She offers her hand to your cat who then sniffs, takes a step back and runs to hide under the sofa. You take this as a clear sign the woman is evil and pack up their dinner to go, vowing to ban the new squeeze from your house forever. If you call your brother the next day to tell him Mr. Floof decided his girlfriend is evil, add +2 points.
18. You save cat hair dust bunnies so they can be woven into figurines later.
19. The majority of your pictures are of your cats.
Family photos are displayed lovingly on fireplace mantels and on hallway walls. Except in your house, where the cats take center stage while the human photographs hide in a drawer. If you swap out your cat picture for humans when expecting company, add a bonus point.
20. You buy more cat food and litter than you do food at the grocery store.
21. I like my cats more than I like people, so I can just stay here.
Refusing to leave the house by choice is one thing. If you simply prefer to stay home, there’s nothing wrong with that. Developing agoraphobia is another, and it is a serious psychological condition. If you start experiencing fear about leaving the house, it’s time to talk to a professional.
22. Your idea of a good weekend is cruising Petfinder to find more cats to adopt.
If you’ve already identified with a majority of the previous items in this list, chances are you probably already have enough cats. Adopting more animals means increased responsibility and cost, and you should realistically evaluate how many cats is too many for your home, budget and abilities. Turn off the router and watch a movie instead.
23. The family sticker on your car’s rear window only features cats.
Bumper stickers and glass peel adhesives can be customized to include almost anything, and many people use the ones with human figures to represent their family. If yours only features cats or you have so many cat stickers you can’t see out of your rear windshield, people might start to stare.
24. You buy a stroller, but you don’t have a baby.
Because you intend on strolling around the neighborhood with Miss Priss in tow. We’ve heard of walking a cat on a leash, but rolling them around in a baby stroller might have your neighbors double checking their door locks.
25. Cat grooming is a priority. Yours, not so much.
If you can remember how many cat nails you clipped, the last pet groomer appointment you made or how often you brushed your cat today but can’t remember the last time you took a shower or had a haircut, taking back some “me” time is definitely overdue.
26. Every portable electronic device you own has a custom cover featuring your cat.
Do you really need to see your furball that often during the day? Bringing your custom-covered electronics to a business meeting might elicit some surprised looks.
27. You take selfies with your cat.
Not just one self-portrait, but every selfie is considered incomplete unless Poochikins is in it with you. If you notice your Twitter followers dropping like flies, this could be the reason.
28. You give up the bed.
If you head to the bedroom to go to sleep, see it covered in cats and choose to sleep on the sofa or another room instead of disturbing the slumbering felines, you might be a crazy cat lady. It’s your bed; take it back.
Crazy Cat Lady Scoring
0–7: It’s not serious yet, so you’re a crazy cat lady in training.
8–14: Family and friends have stopped visiting, and co-workers pretend to be on the phone when you walk by.
15–21: It’s gotten so bad people are staging interventions.
22–28: Even the neighbors have started calling animal control to report you. You’re as crazy as they come, cat lady.
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