Post-Apocalyptic Pet Rescue?

If you’re worried about pet care after Judgment Day, worry no more: the godless folks at Eternal Earth-Bound Pet say they’ll be here to help.

By: Tony Alter
By: Tony Alter

Although religions are vastly different, most of them have a common denominator: At some point, the Messiah will come and the world will end, not always in that order.

Souls that have dedicated themselves to God will ascend to heaven or some other form of the hereafter, whereas the rest of the population — particularly atheists, who believe in nothing — will remain here on planet Earth.

Unfortunately, should that day come (and some believers swear that May 21 is Judgment Day), your pets will remain here, too. Before you stay up at night, worrying about who will care for your pets after the apocalypse, I have something wonderful to share with you: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will, for a fee, make sure that your pets are rescued once you have been “Raptured.”

Staffed entirely by atheists — remember, they’ll be the only ones left after the Rapture — Eternal Earth-Bound Pets promises to care for your pets after the Big Day. For the low price of $135 for a 10-year coverage period (plus $20 for each additional pet), Eternal Earth-Bound Pet will go to your now-empty home, rescue your pets, place them in foster care (only with atheists!) and find them homes.

The most frightening thing about this business? It does not appear to be a joke.

From their website:

“We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.”

This service may appeal to some of you — and I’m sorry that I’m almost certainly offending you, but I’m going to call it like I see it and suggest that this service is an odd one.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is active in 26 states: Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Illinois and Iowa.

Unfortunately, they can only handle dogs, cats, birds, rabbits and small caged mammals at this time, but if you live in New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana, they will rescue your horse, camel, llama or donkey.

I am proud — and amazed — to say that my own state of California isn’t on this list.

Tamar Love Grande

View posts by Tamar Love Grande
Tamar Love Grande, former associate editor, is a Crazy Dog Person who has fostered and found homes for more than 200 dachshunds in the past few years. Tamar lives in Los Angeles with her husband, her cat and far too many wiener dogs.

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