I love sleeping, and I do it well. I can sleep through almost anything, alarm clocks included.
It’s a special gift I have, but it can also cause problems when you need to get up and be at work at a set time. In the past I have resorted to using my kids to wake me up. The bad thing about that is that kids have short-term memories, or at least mine do.
Luckily for me, my Newfoundland Leroy took it upon himself to become my official alarm clock 3 years ago.
The Newf Alarm
He eased in to his new morning job slowly, but over the years he has gradually worked up to become quite creative and reliable when it comes to waking me up in the morning.
When he first began waking me up three years ago, he would sit by the side of my bed and breathe hot air on my face. Once he realized that hot dog breath wasn’t the answer to waking me up, he put himself on a breathe/sneeze setting.
Silly dog. I deal with slobber all day long. A little bit of nose snot is not going to phase me, and neither is a cold nose — but good try, buddy.
Then Leroy took his alarm clock duty to a whole new level and began hopping in bed with me. I have to admit that Leroy is the first dog that has ever attempted to jump in bed with me, and I didn’t mind. Who doesn’t want a 150-pound furry dog keeping her warm in the winter months?
I embraced the fact that Leroy liked to jump in bed with me in the morning, and I think Leroy secretly enjoyed it a bit, too. But the enjoyment was compromising his mission to wake me up, which failed miserably unless he misguided his jump and landed directly on top of my sleeping body.
So Leroy decided it was time to play around with his alarm clock settings and see what he could do. Here are just a few settings he found:
- The dramatically falling off the bed setting. A 150-pound dog falling off a bed is one good way to wake me up from a dead sleep. It’s a sound that compares to a large tree falling on your house. This setting needs a volume adjustment.
- The sitting on my face setting. Yes, a dog butt to my face is a sure way to immediately wake me up. I think this setting needs adjustment.
- The dry heaving setting. No matter where I am in the house, I can always hear a dog getting ready to vomit. So a dog getting ready to vomit 6 inches away from my head in my bed is going to get me up and moving. This setting needs a snooze button.
- The licking himself setting. I know this is just what dogs do, but nothing makes me cringe more than a dog licking away at his private parts or chewing his paw, especially while I am trying to sleep. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. The slurping, the chewing, the gurgling — it makes me want to gag, and it’s a setting I want removed from my alarm clock.
My Unique Alarm Clock
What can I say? My alarm clock is unique and like no other, and it comes with settings that even the most expensive alarm clocks don’t have. It’s a one of a kind, and it’s all mine.